Drinking Problem

It’s not what you think. This so-called “problem” is that to other people, I am an anomaly of a twenty-year old college student - I hardly drink. It’s not the whole moral high ground thing, but it’s because my body cannot physically handle a large dose of caffeine or juice, let alone hard liquor.

A large smoothie is enough to get me on a sugar high that rivals a night of drinking for others. You know how crazy Buster in Arrested Development gets from too much juice? (“We have unlimited juice? This party is going to be off the hook!” ) That’s me. Once at a camp, I drank 4 cups of instant coffee to stay awake for a movie marathon and I could not stop blabbering for most of the night. Consuming a large amount of caffeine invariably gives me a massive headache which I can only get rid off by sleeping, which kind of beats the point of drinking coffee in the first place. I am destined for a lifetime of being assigned to be the designated driver. I make no apologies for this, I only ask for a little compassion the next time you have a party or ask me out, and let me drop by a smoothie bar beforehand, and I promise I”ll get your drunk ass home safe.